Nilla Waif

To be the yearner and to be the one that doesn’t feel the same way. Simultaneously. The torture of wanting to be, yet loathing the thought. A hatred of people, yet longing to be among them, unnatural as it is for me. The inattention, the loss of words, the silence, the anger, the contained violence. Contradiction takes its toll and you are expected to be serene. To refuse to spasm. Because if you do, all is lost. Because if you do, you can’t come back.

This love of life is unrequited, this condition is insufferable.

And then there are boys.